How many songs do you know that start with the word “hello”? Some songs that come to my mind are Hello by Adele, and Lionel Ritchie. There also Hello by The Doors, The Partridge Family, Simon and Garfunkel (am I showing my age yet??) A google search will give you varying answers, depending if you include show tunes (and really, why wouldn’t you?!?!?).
This week I was reminded that I have a blog. “You are correct!” I replied. “I did(do) indeed have a blog but I haven’t posted anything in over 10 years.” I gave a little chuckle, but inside I was horrified at how long it has been since I last wrote. Really? Over 10 years??? I will have to update my tag line. I am no longer a new pastor but a pastor who has a decade and a half of experience behind her, with the scars and laugh lines to prove it.
When I began this blog many years ago, it was to give me a space where I could process where it was that I saw grace at work in my first call and in the world. And to share things that fed me in the hopes it would feed you too.
As it happened, my first call did not end the way I ever imagined or hoped. I came up against forced clergy termination, which was absolutely traumatic. And yes, I understand the gravity of this word but honestly, there is no other way to convey the devastation it gave me and my spouse. My confidence was shattered and a deep depression settled into my bones; depression that daily continues to accompany me. The days after the termination were filled with a pervasive anxiety that paralyzed me. I couldn’t face the world. I felt broken and as useless as a broken pot.
Fast forward to today…. here I am.
Throughout these fifteen years of ministry and many life experiences later, I am still here. By God’s grace I am still here. Over the years, God has brought alongside me people who have helped me to navigate my place in the world and in ministry. People who have helped me slowly rebuild my confidence and to heal the wounds. People who would remind me that God has not forgotten their beloved child.
“I do not understand the mystery of grace – only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.” (Anne Lamott)
These are words I live by daily. These are words for which I give thanks because grace happens. God’s grace, with its gentle yet profound touch, meets us in our vulnerability, our pain, our mistakes, and our confusion, but it doesn’t leave us to languish there. Instead, it empowers us to heal, learn, and grow, gently nudging us towards a more fulfilling and meaningful existence. An existence grounded in God’s dream for us to know we are loved, cherished, and worthy of healing so that we can become what we were created to be.
If you are reading this, thank you for accompanying me this far. Thank you for being a witness to me putting myself out in the world once more. Thank you for responding to my Hello….again. Your presence here is a gift.
In giving thanks that grace happens,
Warmly,
Jennifer
